He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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