"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
