Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
