Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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