Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
