When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
