my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
