I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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