I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Boobs are out for the taking
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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