I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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