Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
