i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
