I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
