my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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