you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
