Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize