You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
