John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
