I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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