How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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