New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
