i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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