I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
