Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
