I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
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