Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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