You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Randomize
