made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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