I'm going to jail i love you
from now on my penis is your penis
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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