foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
