I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
