wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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