Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
there was a trapeze. enough said
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
