Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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