Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
