There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
