what day is it and did you see me today?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
