I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
