theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
