Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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