Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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