I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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