I'm pants shitting drunk right now
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
