I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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