I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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