so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize