I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
