i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
