Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize