I'm gonna have a badass scar
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
