I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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