I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
