A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
