I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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