ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
