I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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