sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
