Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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