I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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