Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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