There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
