Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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