I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
