Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
